I’ve never been good at forgiving. I get caught up, let down and overall waylayed by emotions. When things go wrong between me and someone i once loved I find it difficult to just let go, move on and forgive. The thing that makes this so difficult is that it is only holding me back from being more loving and more open to the good in the world. I am determined to learn to not hold a grudge and forgive so that my heart can be light and free… 





just a beginning

April 24, 2008

it’s almost impossible to know where to begin..
such an amazing outlet for expression
and yet before I can share me with thee…
I realize I must do my best to let my heart go free..

this was by far one of the most difficult weeks of my life… my dear friend and a gentle, creative soul, Chris Friedman passed away just over a week ago today. Of course losing someone you love is never easy.. but when tragedy strikes someone so young (29) vibrant and in the prime of their youth the grief is intoxicating. I can’t seem to attach wings to the images of suffering, i just can’t find peace in accepting that I’ll never see my dear friend again. With each new day i try to believe that my heart will feel lighter, that a smile, or a laugh might come my way and they do.. however, i see the twinkle in Chris’s eyes and i hear his mischevious laughter.. These images are fresh to me but for how long.. am I capable of keeping them close and present. As present as the night before his death as we laughed and danced and dressed to impress..

At the funeral I spoke these words:
“Chris had this endearing quality of instantly getting under your skin, which made you simultaneously adore him and or want to smack him. From the moment he arrived here in Humboldt you just knew he’d do great things but more than that you wanted to break through his wall and know all the things he’d already done. It’s amazing and mind blowing to know that Chris lived more in his 29 years than many of us could even dream of. Just a quick glance at his passport or the rebuilding he has been doing to his home, step by step, room by room.. it’s obvious that he was talented, multi-faceted, intelligent and the part I loved most, caring.
Chris is our friend.. and I treasured his genuine smile and appreciated his magnetic way. He teased me, he teased us all but mostly he pushed me to be most of all courageous. He made you believe in you just by being a man who could do anything. He didn’t need the top brand bike or the newest designer shirt. His infectious grin and his endless talent paved his way.
Christopher came from a large family and he immediately became an integral part of our humboldt family. He was my friend but he was more like a brother to me. I’m so grateful for the time he gave me to worry, care and love him and our family here will miss him fiercely.”

Chris’s ashes were spread last night at moonstone beach.. I arrived late.. too late to see him meet the sea..My heart was heavy and fought with me but I rushed to make it at least in time to watch the sun set over the last moment of chris’s earthly being.

U\'ve seen the world

Losing someone makes you realize how much you love the people around you. I hope I have shown someone close to me today how much they mean to me. I know that losing my friend tragically is difficult but i hope it makes me more loving, more caring, more giving, more aware and the one I need the most more courageous with each new day.